Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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