my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
