This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
