i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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