Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
