she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
God I need to hump something, right now.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
