Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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