Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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