So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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