Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
