I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We left the knife in your bed.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
