I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
