I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
