You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
