my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
