Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
