I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
