I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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