Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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