Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
