ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I need to stop coming to work sober
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space