Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!