He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
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Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
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I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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