but the lizard people decide everything anyway
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
