just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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