I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
