I've blown a few things in my day
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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