sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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