I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
