tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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never play flip cup with pint glasses
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
