dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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