Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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