He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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