He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
