btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
