the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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