Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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