Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
