I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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