I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Randomize
