Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
