Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
