1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
