my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
