I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
