my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
