i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
