I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
