Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
