he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
