no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
