even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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