He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
