Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
