Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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