Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
