I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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