oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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