jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
