How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
