I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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