Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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